Back to reality

I spent 24/7 LITERALLY with my family in California last week. You would think we drove each other nuts and couldn't wait to get back home...well that's not the case at all. As I got ready this morning I was sad. I was going to miss them so much. I was almost late to work because I stared at each of them sleeping peacefully and thought how do I leave them everyday? 

I remember when I went back to work after Mia was born I fell into a deep and dark postpartum. So much so that my maternity doc asked me if I needed to be hospitalized. Of course I was like, "No, I'm fine!" but I wasn't. All I wanted to do was be with my baby. With Angelo it was so much easier because I raised him in his daycare. I worked in his room. So the first year of his life I was paid to take care of him. 

For the first time in my life I realized I cant reprogram my brains synapses to fire differently. That I couldn't deal with this on my own. It was the scariest process but I made it thru it but not without lots of tears, nightmares, support from my family and my boss. 

The Nightmares, omg they were the worse or the first time after I had Mia and was dropping Angelo with his dad for their visit and I panicked thinking I had to drop off Mia too. How did I share Angelo back then? How did I make it thru his step mom trying to steal him from me? How did I make it thru that? I cant even remember!

My job was secure but it came down to an ultimatum...work 9a-8p 4 days a week or no full time and possible termination. Well I said, "NO" and got my way in the end but it wasn't an easy road. Fighting Deans, working a laborious job with a healing body, Pumping 3x a day in my truck...thank God for tinted windows!!!

Luckily I had amazing care for her in her first crucial months, then tried a daycare that lasted 2 days, then found Letty that was okay but didn't give her love, and then Heather came a long. She changed all of our lives. She watches Mia (my little hermit) at our house, loves her deeply, takes amazing care of her, does dishes!, is my friend, and an awesome sister-in-law!

Anyways, here I am at work and all I can think about is missing my family, missing the funny things Mia will do today, missing how Angelo randomly breaks out in dance and song, missing my husbands reactions to these things, my dad's breakfast, my mom's playful side, and missing Heather trying new things! Its funny how much you take for granted in life and I know God doesn't give us more than we can handle but this SUCKS!